Dare to Dream

I was on my way home from work today listening to Il Divo. Don't know who they are? Well, here is a picture to grab your attention:

Il Divo is a multi-national pop-opera group that sing in several languages. Whether it's in French, Italian, or Spanish, their music goes straight to my heart. It doesn't hurt that they are easy on the eyes. But it's more than that. They each have a distinct sound, and together they are pure magic. My all time favorite song is a french ballad "Pour Que Tu M'aimes Encore" (For You to Love Me Again). I have heard it hundreds of times and it still pierces my heart.

So, I'm driving down the freeway, and I've got the volume high. I'm singing along because I took French I in the 8th grade and recognize a word here and there. I'm even trying to roll my R's but it's not coming out as well as Sebastien (the French guy from the group) makes it sound. Never mind that-because I can sing phonetically, or as I like to say: finetically!

I have had the greatest pleasure of seeing Il Divo in concert twice. The second time was close enough for them to watch me sing along with them. Not in the language they were singing, but in the way it sounded to me. And honestly, I liked it that way. I may have looked silly because I was trying to roll my R's and don't really have a clue what they are saying, but I can tell you this: heartache and love speak all languages. And the men from Il Divo convey such raw, powerfully beautiful emotion that I don't need to know the translation. It's ok that I just sing along "finetically" because the words are reaching my soul.

I can't wait for their new album Wicked Game to come out this month. I've already pre-ordered it and it should arrive in the mail next week. I highly recommend checking it out. Trust me, you'll learn to love Carlos, Urs, David, and Sebastien as much as I do. Then you'll be going to Il Divo concerts and singing phonetically like the rest of us!

No surprise, I went to Starbucks yesterday. I was so excited to learn that they now have their mocha base in sugar free. Gimmee a grande I tell them. And they have their holiday cups now-even better!

I was not a huge fan. It tasted...well...artificial. A couple of hours later I had a killer headache and felt awful. Granted, I don't feel good on most days and have been sporting a nasty cold for 2 weeks, but this was different. Wait; I DO know this feeling...I get it when I consume certain things like MSG or Carrageenan (a thickening agent that can create an MSG reaction). Oh crap, what have I done? Once consumed there is nothing to make it better except time. I was doomed. And I had only had 1/2 of my drink. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I drank the whole thing.

So, I spent the day feeling like I wanted to die (figuratively). Hitting my head (literally) for doing something so stupid. I know better. I should know better than to try something new without reading the ingredients. But no, I was taken in by the lure of what I thought would be sugar free goodness. Don't be fooled! By evening, the effects of the carrageenan had almost worn off and I was starting to feel more like myself.

This morning, I had to prove to myself that this new mocha base indeed had either MSG (unlikely) or carrageenan (likely). When I went there and asked to see the ingredients, I was looked at as if I had grown 2 heads. Is it that difficult to accomodate a simple request? Begrudgingly they brought me the box and sure enough, at the bottom of the ingredient list there it was in neon letters: CARRAGEENAN. I was satisfied I was not losing my mind and went on my merry way.

Ok, so I ordered a different drink, but this time I got something with ingredients I could pronounce. And I am happy to announce I feel fine-at least as fine as I can feel while being sick.

Sadly my weekend adventure to a local casino did not bring me the funds I had hoped for, but a hole in my wallet and some fond memories. There is a good reason for the disclaimer "for entertainment purposes only". They should also have a disclaimer "may cause repetitive injury syndrome" as I left with a sore shoulder from pushing the slot machine button so much!

In any event, I had a good time with my mom. We love eating at the buffet-did you know it's calorie free? I was amazed to learn this! So I piled up and enjoyed every morsal, knowing there was no way it would reach my stomach or thighs.

You'd understand my surprise after I washed my jeans but they wouldn't button. I must have washed them in hot water by mistake..

Since I wasn't able to retire I suppose I must get back to work!

I was all excited to talk about my plans for the weekend. I even had a witty title for this blog. But then I realized maybe I'd be giving too much away. I mean, who knows who is reading this? Maybe it's just me-literally-and I have nothing to worry about.

On the other hand, there could be thousands of cyber stalkers anticipating my every post. Then what? Risk a chuckle or two for my safety? I've heard some crazy stories in this day and age of social media. Don't believe me? Just look up how photos you've uploaded from your smart phone can track where you live. It's true! I'll wait while you change your phone settings. Believe me, I already did-and I don't even upload pictures!

In the meantime, I'll be imagining what I would have written about my upcoming weekend, believing the droves of people reading this would have enjoyed it :)

With the change in weather I decided to look for my gloves last night. As I was looking through my drawers, I came across some clothes I hadn't seen since last winter.

Last winter, when I was going through chemo. Clothing I distinctly wearing while getting chemo. A lump formed in my throat and I immediately closed the drawer. It wasn't until a little bit later when I was talking to my mom and actually started crying that I realized how impactful it was for me to see those clothes.

So, we went back to my room and found which ones brought the most memories for me and she took them away. I felt better as it's like I don't want any reminders of that time in my life. Unfortunately, I am reminded every day when I look in the mirror but for some reason seeing those sweaters just brought it all back.

What helped was knowing I am fine. I made it through. There are too many people who haven't-and won't-make it through this terrible disease. I would go through it all over again just so that I could survive.

I don't mean to talk so much about it. Really, I look forward to the day when cancer is not the most prominate thought in my mind. The month of October is very meaningful to me for many reasons and maybe someday it won't be as much but I doubt it. But for now, I'll accept where I am, be grateful for the tears because I know that each day I am stronger than the day before.

I go to Starbucks nearly every morning during the work week. Yes, a costly and fattening habit. BUT...today I didn't. I actually MADE my breakfast-gasp! Before I give myself a big pat on the back, I did end up going to a new drive thru coffee place on the way to work. It was ok-the coffee was a little stronger than I like. The point being, I CAN abstain from the lure of Starbucks (at least for one day).

Today is a big milestone for me. I am 8 months in remission-I can't even believe it. Also, it was exactly one year ago on this day that I had my first chemo treatment. So much has happened in the last year-much of it a blur. I couldn't have made it through without my God, my family, and my friends. Not to mention the awesome team at OHSU.

Going through this life altering event has taught me something: just because you do doesn't necessarily mean it is easy to change. I naively thought that because I had cancer it would "scare" me into getting my health on track-eating more healthy, exercising, and losing weight. Well, sadly I was wrong. Maybe it's me, maybe it's just my adjusting back to "normal" life but I just can't seem to find the energy, mentally or physically to focus on getting my health on track. It doesn't help that I've been sick the last week-frown!!

I hate being sick. I mean, I know nobody likes to be sick-I just really hate it. I've been sick for long enough-I would like to know what it feels like to be "healthy". I even went to the store to get nice healthy food and to make a nice healthy green shake. Well, I made the green shake with what I thought was kale and sadly it wasn't. I have no idea what green leafy vegetable it was, but it had this really nasty kick to it. So down the disposal it went. Do I get any points for making it?

I ordered a book about making one change at a time. I haven't gotten it yet, and am looking forward to reading about this approach. I despise diets-always have. So, the idea of making one change a week over the course of 12 weeks sounds appealing. I'll write more about it in days to come.